You’ll notice that these are the raw transcripts of the series. As such, they have no scene directions or character identifiers.

But if you’re looking for a written version of what is actually said on screen… this is it!

If you’re looking to compare it to the original script, it is the first two scenes of this one.

Rock on, you transcription loving dude!

Team Leader Eps. 9 “A New Team Leader”

-Alice, let me in. Let’s just talk about this, okay?

-Fuck you, boss!

-Okay. You know what? This is not a real promotion. This is just team leader, okay? It’s bullshit. All it means is I’ve got to bring in the cakes.

-This is so much more than flour and icing, asshole. Here’s how it’s going to play. Every time you ask me to do something, I’m going to say no. Then you’re going to offer me some compensation.

-What’s the compensation?

-Every time you ask me to do something, it’s a quarter of pot.

-Alice. Alice, are you ready? Are you coming? Come on, Alice.

-For what?

-For work, woman. Work! Come on, half day, the memorial service. You remember?

-Are you ordering me to go to work?

-Okay, you are taking the conversation very seriously right now. Alice!

-I’ll meet you there.

-Thank you. I’m sure Cake would have appreciated that moment of silence. But as they say in Stratford, the show must go on. As one career ends, another begins. And so…

-If I may, can I say a few words about Cake? I think here I’m sort of the qualified one. I was on the high school speech squad. First in Province. Top Talkeroo ’94, ’95, ’96, ’97. I did an award-winning speech on “Marihuana: Nature’s Dark Herb.” Anyway, I emcee at weddings, so there’s that too, but I’ll do it if it’s unanimous, so maybe a show of hands. The people have spoken. Kate MacIntosh, or, as we have affectionately come to know her, Cake. A good nickname: it doesn’t just come out of thin air. You can’t throw a word at a person and hope that it sticks. At first it must be sweet and inviting, and then when the fork of friendship delves deep it must have substance and it must have satisfaction: the satisfaction and substance that comes when eating… Or when meeting Cake.

-Would anybody else care to say anything, or…

-Let me tell you how I came up with the nickname. March 15, 2003. I’m watching Parker Lewis Can’t Lose on the Betamax, and a light bulb goes off like lightning in my head. And I called her at home, and she sounded a little sleepy, but I think she appreciated the sentiment, and that was the beginning. And this is the end. She’s making copies for Jesus now and presentations to the Lord. Amen.

-Amen.

-Amen.

-Amen.

-Thanks, Reggie. Cake would have appreciated that wonderful story of her office antics, but as one career ends… As one career ends, another begins. We wipe our tears and look to the future, so I’d like to officially close this memorial service by introducing you to the new Cake, your new team leader, Brooke Havlock. He will complete Cakes legacy by getting us a win in Monday’s presentation. Would you like to say a few words, Brooke?

-This doesn’t change anything. I’m still one of you guys, so keep up the good work.

-What about the cakes?

-Sorry?

-I think there’s just one thing on everyone’s mind here, and that is, will you be bringing in the cakes?

-He sure will. We are proud of our traditions here. Right, Brooke? And please feel free to come to Brooke day or night with any problems you might have, or if you just want to shoot the poop about Cake, or any concerns her death may raise about mortality in general.

-How’s everybody feel about muffins?